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On The Road To Forever

Judas Asparagus

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Thomas Bonham is responsible for this content, which is not edited by the Wilson County News or

On the Road to Forever
December 14, 2011 | 3,052 views | Post a comment

Sometimes we have to wonder if we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching. A 7-year-old was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

“In the beginning, near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think he must be older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.

“They were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. They disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I don’t know how. They didn’t have a car. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

“Pretty soon all the early people died off, except for Methuselah who lived to be a million I think. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He invited some other folks to join him, but they said they would take a rain check.

“After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a very loud sports coat.

“Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name is Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues to Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments.

“These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, covet your neighbor’s stuff, and humor thy father and mother.

“After Joshua came David, who got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

“After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league prophets. One was Jonah, who was swallowed by a whale and got barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

“After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn so when my mom says, ‘Close the door. Were you born in a barn?’ I could say, ‘Yes!’) During his life, Jesus had many arguments with the Pharisees and the Democrats.

“Jesus had twelve opossums. The worst of them was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

“Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.”

(1 Corinthians 13:11-13 & 2 Peter 3) I’m glad that as we mature mentally, and in the faith, we can come to a fuller understanding of the will of God for our life and our salvation. I pray I will never be too old to want to discover a deeper understanding of God’s Word. One can only do this through study of God’s Word on a level of thirsting for it.

The Day of the Lord will be no laughing matter if you’re ignorant of His love.

Thomas W. Bonham is an associate minister with the Floresville Church of Christ. His e-mail is Find his column on his blog at
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