Learning curve

May 1, 2013
On his very first day of school, little Johnny handed the teacher a note from his mother. It read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.” At the end of her first week of school, little Suzy expressed her thoughts to her mother, “I’m just wasting my time,” she said. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”  (More)

It’s an evil world

April 24, 2013
Two angels were traveling about and stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The head of the family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead they were given a small space in the cold damp basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall, where the foundation of the centuries-old mansion was apparently beginning to crumble, and repaired it.  (More)

Revealing priorities

April 17, 2013
As the family was riding down the road one warm summer evening, a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As the parents in the front seat were reeling from the shock of what they were witnessing, a 5-year-old voice from the back seat exclaimed, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”  (More)

Reaping what we have sown

April 10, 2013
Little Johnny used to hang out at the corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the other boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks short of a full load, or he really wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. To prove it, they would often offer Johnny the choice between a dime and a nickel. Johnny would always take the nickel and they concluded he thought it was worth more because it was bigger, and would laugh at him. One day, after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the storeowner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Are you grabbing the nickel just because it’s bigger or what?” Slowly, Johnny turned to the man and with a big grin on his face he said, “Well, if I take the dime, they’ll stop doing it, and so far I’ve saved $20.”  (More)

What will you do with Jesus?

April 3, 2013
Jesus: He is the first and the last; the beginning and the end. He is the keeper of creation and the Maker of all things. He is the architect of the universe and the manager of all times. He always was; He is; and He always will be … Unmoved, Unchanged, Undefeated and will never be Undone. He was bruised to give healing. He was pierced to ease pain. He was persecuted to grant freedom. His death brought forth life. He was raised from the dead to give power, and He reigns in heaven to bring peace. The world can’t understand Him and armies can’t defeat Him. The schools can’t explain Him and world leaders can’t ignore Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him, the Pharisee’s couldn’t confuse Him, and the people couldn’t hold Him. Nero couldn’t crush Him, Hitler couldn’t silence Him, the New Age can’t replace Him, and Donahue can’t explain Him away. He is light, love, longevity, and Lord. He is goodness, kindness, gentleness, and God. He is Holy, righteousness, mighty, powerful, and pure. He is always right, His word is eternal, His will is unchanging, and His mind is on me.  (More)

In the valleys I grow

March 27, 2013
I’ve been burning up the highway of late, running to the big city, mainly for doctor appointments. I do my best to get appointments as early in the morning as possible where my day isn’t interrupted; I just start it later than normal. I have to tell you, I’m so glad I don’t have to run that rat race every morning to get to work. A couple of guys were overheard in the coffee shop the other day. One was telling the other: “Driving to the office the other morning, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, doing 65 mph, with her face up next to the rear-view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, still working on her makeup!! It scared me so bad, when I jerked on the wheel to avoid the collision, I dropped my electric razor, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my cell phone slipped from its perch between my shoulder and ear, dropping into the cup of coffee between my legs, splashing hot coffee on my trousers. That ruined my phone and disconnected an important phone call! These woman drivers are a nuisance!”  (More)

Get on the ball

March 20, 2013
A golfer’s ball landed on an extremely large anthill. Instead of moving the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. After a mighty swing, with dirt and ants flying through the air, the golf ball lay exactly in the same place. He swung three more times with the same results. Two ants had survived the onslaught. One dazed ant asked the other, “What are we going to do?” His fellow ant replied, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball!” Getting on the ball can express escape from several things, but we most probably relate it to the unwanted wrath of a supervisor or boss. It has its own chat-speak acronym, GOTB, which also covers “Get On The Bus,” meaning get on board or you might get left behind. Anyway, according to the Urban Dictionary, to get “on the ball” is to improve one’s present performance. “Tom is too lazy. He needs to get on the ball.” “Whoa! This job is scheduled to be finished by noon tomorrow. I better get on the ball!” As a side note, it’s NASCAR season, the only sport still true to itself, and where one still gets paid for one’s personal performance. I think it was Junior Johnson, NASCAR driver, car owner, and crew chief, who once told driver Darrell Waltrip, “Boy! You best get up on that wheel …,” meaning he didn’t think Waltrip was using the full potential of the car. He needed to go beyond what he was doing and squeeze every ounce of performance out of the car and himself.  (More)

Piecework and peace work

March 13, 2013
She was just a dishwasher in a restaurant. Part of her duty was the shuttling of dirty dishes to the kitchen and the return of clean ones to the shelves under the lunch counter. As she was busily arranging these, a man seated at the counter asked her, “Don’t you wish your job was piecework?” The term was unfamiliar to her. She looked up with a questioning look, then a jagged-tooth smile broke over her expressive face as she replied, “Brother, I’m makin’ peace every chance I get! I’m doin’ peace work!”  (More)

Getting back home

March 6, 2013
A young boy about 8 years old walks into a local mom-n-pop grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. Trying to be friendly and helpful, the grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Nope, no laundry,” said the boy, “I’m going to wash my dog.” Concerned, the grocer advised the boy, “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped, carrying the detergent to the counter and paying for it, all the while the grocer trying to talk him out of washing his dog with it. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly. The grocer wanted to say, “I told you so,” and instead, he said he was sorry the dog died, but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” The surprised grocer responded, “Oh? What was it then?” The boy looked up at the grocer and as serious as can be said, “I think it was the spin cycle.”  (More)